Neardey's Ramblings...

Dreams

The other night I had this dream where I was running away from everything.  Then I remember sitting/laying somewhere and this guy starting telling me that he was in love w/ me.  I was kind of confused and shocked and said back to him.. but you don't even know me.  It was very strange.  Then I remember walking away. Then, I dreamt that I was at my parents house and we were sort of trapped in the house because someone was after us and they were waiting to get us outside.  The people w/ me that I could remember was my cousin, my sister, and these two little boys.. very young boys.  I think Mark might have been there, but didn't really show up till later.  I remember telling everyone to stay inside and I'd run out and try to get away, when I ran out the door, I realized "she' was hiding in the big pine tree (in the branches), she took out a knife cut me on my hand, right around my thumb, and with great force she picked me up and threw me, but it was actually good that she did that, because I started flying to get away.. I wasn't really flying but more like floating.  and I began running through the air, and as I was running they became distant, I pulled out my phone and called 911.  I told them someone was after me and they were still at the house and my friends and family were there.  I got to a safe place, not sure where.  When I told them about my house, I was referring to the townhouse and not my parents house, even though it was our Fairfax home.  They went to rescue my sister and cousin, but when they came back the two boys weren't there.  I asked them where they were and they said they didn't make it, they were shot.  I started crying.  I didn't know what to do about the place or what to do about the people that were after us and the police said we can go to trial but we have to testify against them but then we were really scared that they might come after us afterwards... then I woke up and realized it was a big nasty nightmare... ugh. 

Geez, what could this dream mean???? haha

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_obJPJUWHK0

Since I can't upload the song.. I've attached the you tube version.  This is Mariah's new single that is about to release, in addtion to her new album that is scheduled to drop April 15th, which I am so excited for.. can't express my excitement =D  She is my all time favorite singer.. through the good and bad times ;)  She is an incredible artist/singer/writer. 

This song is called Bye Bye, which is dedicated to those who have lost someone in their life.  So, for me--it would be my dad... The song kind of brings out certain emotions that we all have felt or will go through when dealing w/ a loss.  I have my moments--most days are fine now, but those moments still sneak back from time to time and during recently during that moment, my cousin from Iraq wrote to me and revealed something that just... not only suprised me, but at the same time... reminds me (not that I will ever forget) what an incredible father I had...

she wrote:

"I was laying down last night, and for some reason I was thinking about your dad.  Before I left on the last deployment, he gave me this small piece of paper, on it, was Buddha writings.  "Its really old" he told me.  He had it with him during the war.  He called it a blessing.  I thought it was a cool.  It was in pretty good shape when he handed it to me, the writings still visible.  Looked like he had taken good care of it.  I've had it for three years now, and the paper is completely yellow, cracked and faded, the writings are gone (due to the massive amount of rain I have made it susceptible to).  I had carried it everywhere I went.  I think if I take it out of its plastic covering, the whole thing would just crumble and fall apart.  Anyways.  That's the only gift your dad ever gave me that I remember, and it makes me think of him whenever i look at it."

*** referencing (war), my dad was in the Army himself back in the 70's, where he was actually in a war as well and apparently it was the same piece of paper (buddha writing/blessing) that he carried w/ him that he gave to Caylee... its amazing to find out the little things your father has done that you don't know about ****

Ducks are like targets… they are always being hunted.  They wander freely without any clue that they could be potentially be someone’s bulls eye.  Hunters lurk, just looking for that “duck” to shoot at… no emotions, no remorse, just inflicting pain on the innocent duck.  They walk around thinking that they have great opportunities everywhere they go, but its an illusion by all the beauty that surrounds them.  They sort of represent innocence and optimism, while the hunters represent pessimism and hate. 

(not really done yet... I'll add onto this later)

So I had this dream the other night that we (the world) was being attacked by some kind of alien.  It was nighttime and I remember people running around all crazy and there was this weird presense in the air... literally something was floating in the air and it was supposedly the alien.  It looked kind of like pieces of a honeycomb (and it kind of glowed yellow), which makes me assume that these "aliens" orginated from Bees.. LOL DON"T ASK! 

So I remember kind of floating in the air, trying to find a safe area and I reached some old building, I was with someone (a guy) but I can't remember who it was... and we ran into the building, trying to find out whats going on and everyone in this building seem really preoccupied.  Then all of a sudden, everyone became aware of what was going on and the time was getting close... meaning that once it got past a certain time... theses aliens would attack (middle of the night), so we all started boarding up the windows and doors and waited... I felt kind of scared that they would break in and kill us all or something. 

It reminded of that one movie... whats it called... the one w/ the disease breaking out and turning people into zombie's or something and that doctor was trying to find the cure for it. 

Crazy dream.. what is going on inside my head??? LOL

Like a thousand whispers howling outside my window seems bleak next to my own thoughts.  Only moments ago, I see the words “Faith, Love, and Courage…” are suddenly echoing every other thought—there goes that howl again… as I begin my analysis, I ask…  What does it take for one to move… to step forward, to begin?  What does it take for anyone to change from the dreary past into a life with promises and sure gain?  What does one do to believe, to hope, to live without the negativity that nearly drowned the spirit of being?  I fell in love with the words, not just today… but yesterday--because its with faith that keeps us strong.. its with love that gives us reason, and with courage gives us the ability.  Even through the longest hours or the darkest night… there is hope.  Hope for peace, hope for possibility, and hope for dreams long before the creation. 

(Art & Reality collides)

Its 3 am and I am still awake.  I just witneseed one single person wipe out the entire house--almost completely at least.  The poker natzi is now renamed as the Poker Vacuum/villian.  Today--I want to say it was poker night, but when it started at 3 PM and lasted until 3 AM... "night" just wouldn't be right, haha.  Funny thing--I'm not a gambler, so this "house" didn't lose anything, but I watched my little cousin take home 2K.  I guess it kind of mind boggling to me considering I don't play poker like this.... but I sat there and watched people play a cash game where the pot would actually be like $600!!  Granted, for the most part, people don't actually bet that much at a time since there's so many in... but then again, I also watched 2 people raise $270, when they already had over $200 in the pot... its just crazy.  My thing is.. when your lucky--you lucky.  Because no matter how good you are, if you don't catch the cards... you just can't win--PERIOD.  (I like how the host get's tipped at the end by the winners ;) lol

Now its time for me to put away my hosting hat and focus on some other things.    

BTW... tournament--I got knocked out 2nd... yes, very sad!  I"m a horrible player, lol... I really should never play at all. 

Sometimes I wonder what I'm doing… I wonder where I'm going and sometimes there's really no answer because our mind and our heart works in the most contradicting ways, so we find a middle ground of where that is.  Life is hard as shit sometimes.  We try to make the best out of what comes at us and it doesn't always make sense, but we keep moving forward.  You forget what right and wrong is, or you let go of all the rules, the past, the future, and begin living in today—this moment.  There are days where you feel stronger and move through that moment with ease… then others, breathing takes effort.  You wonder how much is an illusion and how much is real.  Your stagnant because you know you will never find the answer…. So the thoughts just float inside your head and as time passes, its as if it multiplies and you become lost in your own fog of paranoia… or truth. 

Love is like a drug.  There's some that is good for you but there's others that is so bad for you.  You know what i'm talking about.. the ones that make you addicted that no matter how hard you try to quit... you always revert back to it.  When your on it, it gives you a high that you cannot explain--almost seems unreal.  You defy logic and truth--almost unexplainable.  This addiction is so extreme that when you try to quit, you find yourself in period of withdrawl that truly takes a toll on you physically and mentally and the longer you go without it, the more antsy you become and the only thing that can put you at ease is to get your fix.  Even if its a simple conservation, where words are exchanged.  You feel that comfort that no one else can compensate for.  If you go more than a few days without that fix, you can no longer see straight, the mind races, and hands tremble.  Like an addiction, its usually almost always temporary and the more you use.. the more you need.  You know its no good for you in the long run because eventually it will you kill you... but you just don't have the strength to say no when the dealer comes knocking on your door.    

Is there a clinic for this?